“Hello Mr. and Mrs. Tourist, how was your flight? The weather conditions are average for this time of the year and this time of the day. Yes, Ubers/black cabs/yellow cabs/illegal taxi’s/riksja’s/motorcycles are a very common here. Traffic is hell, I know. Your hotel/airbnb is in a very nice neighbourhood, not too far from the downtown area actually. Lots of tourists and beware of the pickpockets! Oh yes, you should see the church/temple/mosque! Also visit [name of the second most common tourist trap] but don’t go to that other place because that is the most common tourist trap. Of course, you can also do the tour in the factory of the brand that made our nation famous! We are driving through the bad neigbourhood now, don’t go there. Yes, those cliché stories you hear on international news are true but not in the way you think they are. Yes our language is one of the most difficult languages in the world. If you want to learn one word, learn [term for hospitality/warmth]. No, you can not translate it in English because it is unique in our language. Yes, very nice park. Not open for tourists unfortunataly, our king/president/general lives there, we love/hate him. By the way, I can take you to this upcoming neighbourhood/beach/mountains/desert/jungle sometime this weekend, here is my number!”

“Already going back? No problem, we will do the upcoming neighbourhood/beach/mountains/desert/jungle on your next visit. Good to hear you tasted the local dish/snack. You should come back during our yearly colourful off-season extravaganza holiday, it will be an experience you will never forget! Don’t worry, you will not miss your flight, the airport is very small/well indicated. Here we are, bye bye Mr. and Ms. Tourist!” .. and don’t forget to tip…